I have been having a lot of meltdowns lately. Yesterday I had several.
I topped off the day with one that I would never want to speak of again, except that I think it's important to share it because I am so sick of people pretending like their lives are perfect. You know who you are. You aren't fooling anyone.
Last night I realized that TWO is getting sick, again. I tried to feed him and he refused to eat. Five minutes later he was screaming from hunger and sucked down the 8 ounce bottle like it was nothing. Why does he do that?! It was FIVE MINUTES.
That's when I put him in bed, went in my bedroom and just lost it. Husband was snoring away when I yelled "I HATE EVERYONE!" and then proceeded to slam drawers and rant. Sometimes you just need to get it OUT.
It sucks to have a picky baby. I don't understand why he refuses to be put on a schedule. Every day is different. I never know what is going to happen when. It's impossible for me to plan my day. I know I'm not supposed to say it sucks, but IT SUCKS. That probably makes me a bad mother.
It sucks to have a husband with an attention disorder. IT SUCKS. I know I'm not supposed to say it sucks. That probably makes me a bad wife. I'm just supposed to be supportive and understanding. It probably sucks for him to be married to an organized person who likes to plan, who is constantly doing things around the house and has trouble just relaxing.
It sucks to have a preschooler who is the way ONE is when I have a picky baby and a husband with an attention disorder. It's like a trifecta of insanity that I struggle to cope with. I love them all. I do. But holy crap. Sometimes I just don't know if I can handle it.
My life is not perfect. I am, in fact, a mess. My husband is a mess. Our kids are beautiful and special, but they are not perfect. I am an imperfect mother and wife. I try and I fail. Last night I failed. Today I'll try to do better.
I share all of this because after 7 hours of sleep, I woke up feeling like I CAN do it. At least today. I don't want to take a pill to help me cope. I want to learn how to cope, through trial and error, because obviously there are lessons I need to learn here. Like patience and acceptance, for starters.
Being a mother forces me to learn things I would not have opportunity to learn otherwise. Because let me tell you ... if this was any other "job," I would have quit by now. And that, my friends, is why so many mothers have nervous breakdowns. If I can make it to TWO's first birthday without being committed, I'll consider myself a success.
Maybe I'll buy myself something nice.
I'm feeling better already.